11/21/11 Eeyore

I think I need to Journal so I can flush the thoughts and feelings from my system.  Ever feel like you need to do that?  I know the Lord knows all of what I'm feeling and this is basically a conversation with Him and my son.  Today was one of the worst.  Autism is such a Demon sometimes.  My son became so upset at the sight of "Papaws Truck"  and wanting to go with his brother and sister to Mamaws.  I wanted to leave too and escape this house and what I had to do.  But I couldn't.  I never can.  I feel your pain.  He became so violent.  Thrashing himself all over the place, landing on his knees and jumping across the room on them.  Throwing himself into the furniture.  He didn't calm down when we left for a while.  He will tear up the seats in my car one day.  What else can he find to throw in a car!  One more thing to clean up.  Always something to clean up. This morning it was the poop from under his fingernails because he messed during the night.  It was smeared all down his leg and on his clothes.  beautiful.  His tantrum lasted for over an hour, lashing out at me, hitting me, pinching me.  At least he didn't bite.  Grace and Mercy are even to afraid to show up.  How can you remember your faith at a time like this?  I become someone I don't even know.  Don't want to know.  I scare myself.  Nothing satisfies him.  Everyone else gets to escape.  By the time my husband gets home, I am full of anger and resentment.   My son becomes an angel just minutes before my husband walks in the door, happy and pouncing on the couch.  He gets a hug from his dad.  I'm in too bad a mood to get one.  I've been in a fight!  A fight with a Demon I don't know how to compete with.  And then conveniently he goes away right before everyone else gets home.  So I'm the one with the problem!  My spirit is blackened.  I cannot remember that my hope is still in the Lord.  It's so hard to grasp.  Beat up by my son,  Beat down by myself.  Wish the Lord would come back now or maybe he'll just come for me in the form of a Tractor Trailer or a Telephone pole on a rainy day.  I forget that I am very blessed with three other great kids, a cute new granddaughter.  We have our home, when others do not.  There are extreme situations everywhere, and I'm too caught up in my own to be able to help others.  This can't be fixed and I'm cannot stop thinking about how much stronger he is getting, how he's getting bigger. He will hurt me badly one day.  Worse than he ever has.  And every time someone walks out that door to go to school or college or their jobs, reality slaps me.  I'll never have that freedom.  They'll move on & out, and to work and possibly back to a foreign country. Who would want to come home to this?  The constant mess, cleaning up the spills, the food, the holes in the wall.  The clutter.  Who would want to come home to me.  I become this "thing" that I don't even want to be around so why would anyone else.  It takes so long for an ounce of peace to return.  Days, weeks, months... who knows.. I do not have the strength today.  And yet I have to get everyone ready for a long trip.  Courage and Peace are you coming with us?